


On the Record

by I_Write_Midnight_Snacks (Pink_and_Purple_Daisies)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Bruce Wayne's C+ Parenting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Jason Todd Steals the Batmobile Tires, Jason Todd is Red Hood, but like not in the classical way, this isn't a street rat jason joining the family story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:00:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28985256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_and_Purple_Daisies/pseuds/I_Write_Midnight_Snacks
Summary: “Shouldn’t we stop this?” he asks anyway, because he’s the older brother, and somewhere along the line, he was expected to become ‘The Responsible One’.Tim shrugs, and that’s fair enough.He looks back at his father, still sipping tiredly at his coffee. Then at Jason, sitting next to the batmobile. Unscrewing the bolts on the front-left tire while grumbling curses under his breath.
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 33
Kudos: 449
Collections: Avidreaders Batman completed faves, Jason Todd Steals the Batmobile Tires





	On the Record

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself I have no idea why I wrote this. I have WIPS, and I have an exam in the morning, but here I am, doing this shit. I'm a mess, and this is the worst thing I've ever written, omg. Please forgive me.

Dick Grayson walks into the batcave on what was a perfectly normal day, to the start of a surreal dream.

Upon a quick assessment of the scene before him, Dick manages one coherent “Uh…”

Bruce doesn’t acknowledge him. Only takes a long, desperate sip of coffee from his mug, while gazing forlornly at one Jason Todd.

“Don’t bother.”

Dick Grayson wants it on record that he did not flinch at the unexpected voice - only turned swiftly on the spot to face the possible danger. Tim would later say that Dick jumped like a startled cat that saw a surprise cucumber.

“Tim?” he says, around a perfectly normal, not-startled breath, looking at his little brother where he is perched on a ten-foot tall ledge in the darkness, filming the entire scene on his phone. The video would corroborate Tim’s story regarding Dick’s startled responses, but the video is a biased bystander that cannot be trusted.

“They’ve been at it for half an hour. I think they’re both waiting for the other to crack first,” Tim tells him, and that’s… consistent with what he knows of his bull-headed family.

“Shouldn’t we stop this?” he asks anyway, because he’s the older brother, and somewhere along the line, he was expected to become ‘The Responsible One’.

Tim shrugs, and that’s fair enough.

He looks back at his father, still sipping tiredly at his coffee. Then at Jason, sitting next to the batmobile. Unscrewing the bolts on the front-left tire while grumbling curses under his breath.

The front-right tire is already stashed away behind Jason on a crate.

“I think he’s angry at Bruce,” Tim explains just as Dick’s about to break the silence and ask.

“He’s always angry at Bruce, though.”

“Fair enough. More angry.”

“Damn fucking right I’m angry,” Jason snaps.

Tim whistles. “That’s the first he spoke since I got here, other than to curse at Bruce. Good job, Big Bird.”

“Stop gossiping like bored housewives and mind your fucking business.”

Tim is grinning, and Dick holds back a groan. Tim. Really. He loves his little brother, but the kid is the worst type of enabler, and no matter what comes out of his mouth, it’s going to just throw gas on the fire, Dick is already sure. “Nah, this is more entertaining. But by all means, pretend we aren’t here.”

“I’m gonna put a bullet between your eyes, replacement, don’t fucking test me.”

He isn’t even looking away from his work, so Dick isn’t too worried about Tim, yet. Bruce, on the other hand, hasn’t said a word yet. His eyebrows are drawing in that way that Dick knows to mean he’s being obstinate about something, though, and when he squints a bit-

Ah. The Mug came out.

“Alfred?” he asks Tim, but Bruce tenses. Tim barks a laugh, and that’s answer enough.

Well. If Alfred chose to let this happen, then who is Dick to get in the middle of it?

He looks up at his little brother, assessing the ledge for space. It’s a tight fit, but he should be able to get on there too, and it looks like the best vantage point for whatever is about to go down.

“Scooch over, little red. I’m coming up.”

Tim does, without moving his gaze from the phone. Dick does a frankly impressive series of jumps and flips to reach the ledge, even if nobody is paying attention to see it, because by this point, Jason is rolling away the second tire and Bruce is gripping The Mug in a white-knuckled hold, so he settles quietly next to Tim to watch.

“So, any clue what Bruce actually did this time?”

Tim shrugs, and the video on his screen shifts with the movement.

“He got involved in the middle of my fucking case and ruined it, is what he did,” Jason snaps. He’s settling down next to the back-left tire. Upon closer look, Dick notices that the hubcaps and rims are already off and spirited away.

Bruce is still keeping suspiciously quiet as Jason keeps going.

“Showed up out of fucking nowhere, all “You don’t know what you’re doing, Jason” and “I’ll finish this one, you stand aside, Jason” and “You’re too reckless, Jason, I can’t let you go in there” like he has any fucking right-”

The tire-iron slips from his hand with a loud clang. Bruce is dying in his seat, but he says nothing, which is a wise choice, since Alfred is on Jason’s side on this one.

The tire-iron makes a grating sound against the floor when it’s picked up, but Jason finishes the offending bolt quickly and throws it over the edge of the platform, down into the depths of the cave. Ouch.

“Like he has any right to just get in my business, because he’s so much smarter and better-” the bolts are coming off in record time. Dick is grudgingly impressed. He’s helped Bruce with the cars a lot of times in the past but he was never quite as efficient as Jason. “And half the perps are scot free thanks to their police buddies, and half my men walked away because the Batman got involved in my shit and they thought this was a Hood thing, not a Bat thing.”

Dick winces sympathetically. Tim is nodding along sagely, not at all surprised.

Bruce takes another loud sip from The Mug.

“Fucking told him that getting involved would make it worse, but he couldn’t be bothered to fucking Listen, because he’s Batman and he’s the only one who knows anything, and now there’s half a gang-war going on, and everyone thinks I sold them out to the bats, and it’s gonna take fucking months to fix.” He flicks another bolt from the platform.

Tim zooms the video in on Bruce’s face. He’s trying for carefully blank, but all of his kids know enough to recognise the obstinate righteousness underneath. “What does the accused plead?” Tim asks gravely. Dick touches his phone gently, re-angles the camera only enough to catch The Mug into the frame.

The Mug is, as the title implies, a mug. A neon yellow one in the shade of the original bat logo, that used to say “World’s Okay-est Dad” in bright red font, before someone crossed over the “Okay” and filled in an “Eh” in its place in black permanent marker.

The Mug was Jason’s gift for Bruce for the first Christmas he spent back at the manor. The Mug was only used to serve him when Alfred thought Bruce was being particularly mulish, and particularly wrong, but didn’t want to say it out loud.

Bruce purses his lips, but Tim is even more stubborn than him, and the man knows he is beat. “He was being reckless,” Bruce says eventually.

Dick winces.

“Fuck you, old man,” Jason snaps and starts rolling away the third tire.

Dick tilts his head at where the three are already stacked together. “What do you think he’s going to do with them?” he whispers to Tim, not wanting to interrupt the showdown happening underneath.

“Hard to say,” Tim says, as he zooms back out to focus on the entire scene once again. “It’s a tossup between selling them, and throwing them over the ledge, I think.”

“You don’t always know everything, you stubborn old man, I had a plan that was going to work and now it’s ruined! Batman getting involved doesn’t always solve things!”

“He’s right, you know,” Tim eventually jumps in. Jason is growling, There’s enough green in his eyes to glow even from their distance, and Dick watches in fascination as he pushes the back-left tire off the ledge angrily before going back to the car for the last one.

So that’s one tire gone forever. Bruce sips at his coffee again, but Tim is not done.

“You hacked into my computer that one time - I was getting into the League’s systems to set up parameters for when I’d need them activated later, but you had to get in the middle of it right as I was setting them up. Do you remember what happened, Bruce?”

Tim’s eyes narrow. Bruce averts his.

“You do remember, right Bruce?”

Bruce pulls on his cowl, which is cheating.

“Sometimes we understand what we have to do for our own missions, Bruce.” Tim goes on, because if ever there was a family trait, it was pig-headedness.

Jason is halfway done with the last tire.

“You don’t always know better, when we’re the ones with all the mission information, Bruce,” Tim emphasizes.

Dick would intervene, but he’s had the same discussion with the man so many times to no result, and his little brothers seem to have it well under control.

Bruce finally sighs, because they have Alfred, and sometimes, even he needs to concede defeat. That doesn’t mean he faces them, when he does. “I understand. Not all missions benefit from having all players on the board - if the mission commander decides that Batman would be a hindrance as opposed to a benefit, based on mission criteria, I shall perhaps have to allow consideration for that assessment in the future.”

Dick whistles. “Gave that one much thought, did you?”

Bruce grimaces to the dull sound of the fourth tire hitting the bottom of the cave.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://i-preen-for-oikawa.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Shenanigans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29372979) by [inky_dreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inky_dreams/pseuds/inky_dreams)




End file.
